What is about women and their obsession over body image? And that could be a huge generalization so why don't I narrow that down and say, what is about me and my obsession over body image? I'm pretty sure I've worried about my body since I was a teen. Growing up a ballerina, I was constantly "dieting" to ensure I looked thin from all angles. During barre work, a dancer examines their lines in the mirror which also means you can see what your body looks like in a leotard and tights. It's daunting! I auditioned for the New York City Ballet's summer program the summer of my junior year in high school. My teacher informed me that I needed to lose 15 pounds before the audition. The audition was two weeks away. So, in order to lose the weight, I was put on a water and orange diet. It worked. I dropped the weight. At 5' 6" I weighed 111! I auditioned and didn't make it. I was told I was still a little heavy! Consequently, I can't look an orange in the eye to this day!
Before McKinley, I was a solid size six. Sometimes, but never very often, I could wear a four. At my "heaviest", I wore a size ten. I told myself all the time how fat I was. I worked out at least two/three times a week and performed in shows from time to time. If I was cast as a dancer in a show, that meant I was dancing roughly five days a week. Not a bad way to exercise. While pregnant with McKinley I gained the maximum weight I wanted to which was 30 pounds. Post McKinley, which is coming upon two years, I still have roughly 10 pounds to go. But, that last 10 pounds is always the hardest, especially when I don't work out at all and when I eat whatever I feel like shoving into my mouth! I honestly have no one to blame but me!
At my thinnest (again pre-McKinley)...
So why I am telling you all of this? Over the weekend, I decided that Mother Nature was not going to bring me down (by Sunday she had worn me into a pulp) and I wore the springiest look I could for a day of errands. It was dreary, cold Saturday and a forecast of 6-10 inches of snow was on its way in. I was not going to wear my traditional dark jeans, tall black boots and heavy sweater! Instead I reached for my mint green jeans from Ann Taylor. I paired them with a cream t-neck sweater, soft pastel pink/coral scarf, tall black boots (because it worked) and a cropped, cream, wool coat. I was so excited to take pics and share the look with all of you. That was until I took a look at them...
I hate them! I hate everything but the look. And the biggest issue I have with them is that my face looks so unbelievably round and fat! I remember the last time this happened to me. It was on New Years Eve. I saw a picture of myself a week or so later and immediately started the workout/diet routine. I guess seeing yourself in photos is the first sign to make something happen. I'm not saying I'm going to something extreme, like oranges and water, but I do really need to make something happen. I need to make time to make something happen.
At my heaviest (pre-McKinley) which caused the change in habits....
I can't be the only one who feels this way, right? What causes us to feel this way? Is it the super thin Hollywood actresses? Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 during her hay day and men loved her. "They" say that average size female in America is a size 12. Why can't I be satisfied with my size eight/ten self? It's an age old question we will never be able to answer. In the mean time....
Here is one of the photos taken over the weekend.
