The Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is some of the worst guilt one can carry. I carry it often. The fact that I work during the day, spending only evenings and weekends with my son, is the biggest piece of guilt I carry. Yes, he stays with my parents during the day, but to me it's just not the same. It amazes me when the guilt will sneak up. Thinking of doing something for myself, guilt. Taking an hour to run an errand results in thinking I should have taken him with me. I feel like I need to spend all of my time with him because I'm away from him 40 hours a week. 

Last night was probably the worst pang of guilt yet. Confession: McKinley still doesn't sleep through the night. Confession: McKinley is still on a bottle. Confession: I don't have a problem with either one of these confessions. We are currently trying to wean McKinley from the middle of the night bottle but it's so much easier said than done. He's been doing really well, until last night. He woke up around 1:00 begging for a "ni-ni" and Joel gave in. He woke up again around 3:00 begging for the same thing. I picked him and tried to sing/rock him back to sleep. It didn't work. Instead, it resulted in a full on melt down. Enter the "cry it out" method. I put him back in his crib, went back in our room, and listened to him sob for mama and dada for the next five minutes. 

Eventually, the sobs turned to simply calling for us which turned to silence. Every now and then I could hear a sniffle and a small voice ask for dada then mama. Fifteen minutes later, the small voice still asked for one of us so I made my way back into his room. There he sat in the corner of his crib, blanket in hand. When he saw me, he immediately said mama, handed me his blanket and clung to me like he didn't think I was ever coming back. Seriously, mom guilt was on overload and I had a completely broken heart. This little peanut of mine sat in his crib just waiting for someone to come for him and I can't even imagine what he must have been thinking. 

We eventually made our way downstairs, a prepared bottle in hand, and he drank the entire thing. He feel asleep in my arms and I could have held him the rest of the night! Eventually he started to stir, confined by my arms, and I took back to bed. He slept soundly until 7:45. When he woke up, the first thing he said was "hi" and I couldn't wait to grab him and hug him til he squirmed to be free. He was so happy, hopefully forgetting what took place the night before, although I'm not sure I ever will.

 

  So, this gal will probably not continue with the cry it out method only because I can't handle it. I can't handle listening to him sob like that, calling my name and not having me comfort him, and to see him sitting in the corner of his crib looking so helpless. Isn't it my job to be there for him when he needs me? He needed me last night and I wasn't there, at least for 15 minutes of it. 

As I write this, I'm sure there will plenty of you mothers reading it, shaking your head and judging me for my mothering skills. So be it! What works for you may not work for me and vice versa. I'm not writing this for you to give me advice. I'm writing this to let other mothers know, especially new moms, that you don't have to do what others tell you worked for them. You don't have to do what the books to tell you to do. You don't even have to do what your doctor recommends. You only have to do what you think you need to do as a mother. 

Will the guilt every go away, probably not. But at least I know that when my son needs me in the middle of the night, he will never have to worry that mama won't be there.