The Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is some of the worst guilt one can carry. I carry it often. The fact that I work during the day, spending only evenings and weekends with my son, is the biggest piece of guilt I carry. Yes, he stays with my parents during the day, but to me it's just not the same. It amazes me when the guilt will sneak up. Thinking of doing something for myself, guilt. Taking an hour to run an errand results in thinking I should have taken him with me. I feel like I need to spend all of my time with him because I'm away from him 40 hours a week. 

Last night was probably the worst pang of guilt yet. Confession: McKinley still doesn't sleep through the night. Confession: McKinley is still on a bottle. Confession: I don't have a problem with either one of these confessions. We are currently trying to wean McKinley from the middle of the night bottle but it's so much easier said than done. He's been doing really well, until last night. He woke up around 1:00 begging for a "ni-ni" and Joel gave in. He woke up again around 3:00 begging for the same thing. I picked him and tried to sing/rock him back to sleep. It didn't work. Instead, it resulted in a full on melt down. Enter the "cry it out" method. I put him back in his crib, went back in our room, and listened to him sob for mama and dada for the next five minutes. 

Eventually, the sobs turned to simply calling for us which turned to silence. Every now and then I could hear a sniffle and a small voice ask for dada then mama. Fifteen minutes later, the small voice still asked for one of us so I made my way back into his room. There he sat in the corner of his crib, blanket in hand. When he saw me, he immediately said mama, handed me his blanket and clung to me like he didn't think I was ever coming back. Seriously, mom guilt was on overload and I had a completely broken heart. This little peanut of mine sat in his crib just waiting for someone to come for him and I can't even imagine what he must have been thinking. 

We eventually made our way downstairs, a prepared bottle in hand, and he drank the entire thing. He feel asleep in my arms and I could have held him the rest of the night! Eventually he started to stir, confined by my arms, and I took back to bed. He slept soundly until 7:45. When he woke up, the first thing he said was "hi" and I couldn't wait to grab him and hug him til he squirmed to be free. He was so happy, hopefully forgetting what took place the night before, although I'm not sure I ever will.

 

  So, this gal will probably not continue with the cry it out method only because I can't handle it. I can't handle listening to him sob like that, calling my name and not having me comfort him, and to see him sitting in the corner of his crib looking so helpless. Isn't it my job to be there for him when he needs me? He needed me last night and I wasn't there, at least for 15 minutes of it. 

As I write this, I'm sure there will plenty of you mothers reading it, shaking your head and judging me for my mothering skills. So be it! What works for you may not work for me and vice versa. I'm not writing this for you to give me advice. I'm writing this to let other mothers know, especially new moms, that you don't have to do what others tell you worked for them. You don't have to do what the books to tell you to do. You don't even have to do what your doctor recommends. You only have to do what you think you need to do as a mother. 

Will the guilt every go away, probably not. But at least I know that when my son needs me in the middle of the night, he will never have to worry that mama won't be there.

 

Sweet Baby Boy

 

I follow a couple of bloggers who are moms, have personal style blogs and  blog about their kids! They do a really good job of incorporating both. Whenever I read them, I feel such pangs of guilt as I tend to lose site of blogging about McKinley! I mean, I did incorporate his original blog into this one so that I could blog about both. I am such a bad mom!! (Head over to Harper's Happenings and Jen Loves Kev if you want to see super moms in action!)

I can't believe I have an 18 month old on my hands, as of tomorrow that is. He is growing so much and I hate it. I love it, but I hate it. I love watching him explore his little world. Whether it be in his play area, in the backyard with Dada or during his bath as he plays with his bath toys, it is amazing, delightful and heart warming. I hate it because he's not a baby anymore. Yes, he will always be my baby, but he's a toddler and I have to face it! 

 

And I know EVERY mom says this, but McKinley is so smart! He has started associating things with its match. Example, he has a Fisher Price clock, one of those "vintage" toys, that my parents got him for Christmas last year. You wind it up, it spins around and moves between the sun and the moon as it makes a rotation from twelve to twelve. One day, he noticed the sun on the clock, pointed to it and then turned to the window and pointed outside. The sun is outside the window! See, smart! Another example, my dad has a blanket in the basement with trout around the border. He noticed the trout, walked over and pointed to one on the blanket, then walked over to a cabinet and pointed to the fish pulls on the drawer. Again, smart!

His vocabulary continues to grow as well. There are words we understand and blabber that we don't. I will never let on that I don't. I always answer back or repeat his words so that he thinks I know what he's saying. He is saying something. Newest words are: coocka (truck); cockel (puzzle), acca (sock) and deta (bicycle). Some we do understand are: Ernie from Sesame Street, Ina from The Barefoot Contessa, Giada from Giada at Home, apple and nana (banana). 

I don't want to rush any phase of his life, especially this one, but I think about what his little voice will sound like when he starts stringing words together. I wonder if he will play sports like his father or be artistic like me? Or will he be a little of both? Right now, he sings all the time. And I mean, all the time. He has several tunes of his own, and performs a rousing version of the intro to Michael Buble's "Sway". He will stop what he's doing and dance to almost any song he hears. He loves Glee, So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars. Maybe he will be artistic like his mother. At the same time, he wakes up and calls for his car-car, loves his (or anyone's) lawnmower and can't wait to play in my parents basement with his very large train! Definitely a boy at heart!

Even though he will be 18 months old tomorrow, he will always be my sweet, baby boy.

Where Do I Fit In?

 
This is supposed to be a lifestyle blog so I thought I would take a minute to talk about just that, life. As I type this, I'm struggling to find my place in life. I've never been the popular girl, the girl next door, a sorority girl or the "It" girl. I've always been status quo girl and I've always been okay with that. I'm under the radar. Just one of the guys. I don't have to live up to a certain standard of girlhood.

So with all of that said, where in life do I truly fit in? Lately, I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I don't really fit into a certain mold at work. I'm one of two friends that has a child so I don't feel like I fit into my circle of friends anymore. I'm the mother of McKinley, a role I cherish, but I can't seem to find my footing among my family. And, I'm struggling to find where I fit in the blogging world. Blogging, like life, is all about popularity, and I find that I'm not a part of that popular group either.

 Sure, I do the whole social networking thing. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, rewardStyle and Currently Obsessed but I still can't reach a broader audience. I've partnered with Ann Taylor on a giveway, something I strive to do more of in the coming months, but that didn't amount to much readership. I was featured on Kmart's style blog, which was a huge honor, and I hoped that would lead to another partnership. Didn't happen. So what does this girl need to do get this blog off the ground?

I've changed direction at least five times and my voice is still a little hoarse. I've said this before. I can blog about my personal style, but does anyone out there truly care what I'm wearing on a somewhat daily basis? I mean, I do, but do you? I can blog about my child and how amazing he is, but do you really care about what color his latest poop was? I can blog about the tomatoes I've grown, the desserts I've made and decorated or how my rooms are transformed as I redecorate, but do you really want to see all of that transpire? And, do I really need to worry about it and just continue to blog about what I care about most?

As I continue to find my way in life, I will continue to blog about my fashion, my son, my husband, my tomatoes, my home and anything in between. Will that bring more readers, probably not? Will that get me sponsorships? Hasn't yet. Will it get me an invite to Fashion Week so I can sit along side some of the bloggers I follow who do? Nope, but I will get there one day. And, will it help me find my place in life? That's only for me to decide, but you can witness the journey if you desire.